Please sir, may i have some more....TIME!!

Hey there...this one is on procrastimation....one of my FAVOURITE hobbies.......Writing it again for the college newspaper...hope they like it(ISNT IT IRONICAL HOW MY POSTS HERE ALWAYS TEND TEND TO ORIGINATE FROM THE NEWSPAPER ARTICLES I WRITE AND HOW THE FREQUENCYFOR THE POSTS REMAINS VERY MUCH SAME).......oh what the hell. READ ON:-

Hello again.... WHACK here and honestly right now i am in a miserable condition. I still have one record to write, i have a semester practical exam tomorrow, my hands are going to file a lawsuit against me if i write another sentence AND THERE IS A CRATER ON MY BED because of constantly sitting at one position!!!! Im actually at the brink of breaking down....so if you hear rumours about a guy with a goatee and short hair running around like mad screaming “MY LIFE SUCKS” at the top of his lungs.....ummm....well ya that would be me!! Why am i in such a pitiful condition you ask....simple two word explanation for it.....PRACTICAL RECORDS!!!!

C.R.A.C.K. on the other hand has gone off to sleep, so has most of the hostel. Crazy he might be, but the fellow always manage to finish all his records on time.....W.H.A.C.K. is busy flirting with some random girl he met on a social networking site. He too isn’t that much worried about his pracs and seems to have finished his records. In the past week it has been reaffirmed in my mind that most humans are nothing but a lazy bunch of evolved monkeys who love to procrastinate......including yours truly. WE ARE CREATURES OF HABIT and once we get into the habit of delaying things we just continue doing it for even the smallest of things...(THAT EXPLAINS THE UNCONTROLLABLE OVERGROWTH OF FACIAL HAIR ON MY CHIN....just don’t get my hands to pick up the scissor and trim it)..Seriously though, its not just us students who end up doing things at the last moment.....many a times we get the printouts for the practicals late, sometimes the sheets take time to print, sometimes there is a delay in checking, policies are implemented later than required.....The basic point is that we are all FLAWED somehow or the other and that is what makes us human. The concept of doing things IN TIME for a particular task is just a mangled piece of thought in a dark corner of our oversized brains.

 Its times like these when you wish for an extra day in the week or even an extra hour in the day....IRONICALLY enough we finish everything. EVERY SINGLE THING is done a little LATE but hey, its done right!! You got to award some marks to us humans for at least finishing everything....HOW MANY SMART AND INTELLIGENT RACES ARE THERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHO FINISH THINGS EONS BEFORE THEY NEED TO BE IMPLEMENTED....None yet, right! So its our little old lazy selves in this massive universe and we might as well enjoy our lives till we get wiped out by the swarm of flesh eating HELLO-KITTY lookalikes from outer space!!

Its also during crunch time when your friends actually help out the most. W.H.A.C.K. left his anonymous female friend to get me something to eat and C.R.A.C.K. offered to write whatever part of the record was left....NO i am not going to cry like a baby and get all emotional but it really feels good to see that someone out there ACTUALLY CARES for you!!! I guess i understand why OLIVER TWIST asked for another bowl of soup and why that scene is etched clearly in history.........BACK TO FILLING IN MY INDEX now....oh CRAP i don’t have the dates for the experiments...............................

thenuttyoptimist

 

The battle of poori!

hey sorry i couldnt update....exams and assignments...never knew that theyd actually grill us in engineering...anyway im sending this one to my editor(there have been major changes in my college newspaper management....more about it later)...Anyway this is the unedited version of something very close to my stomach....all of you eho stay in hostel know that food over there tends to be oversucky.....especially if youre not in your hometown!!! so here goes....ENJOY?!??!

WAR.....hate it or love it, you just cant ignore it. They say war affects everyone, young and old, loudly obnoxious and weirdly silent, FAT and MALNUTRITIONED......everyone! Its easier to start a war amongst us adolescent hostellers with soaring adrenaline levels....it takes a minor bone of contention for us to shed our images of “humble” social animals to bloodthirsty rampaging guinea pigs....YES GUINEA PIGS....dont let their whiskers fool YOU!

About the battle....well, it takes place on the days when we get poori in our mess (actually we have an erratic schedule in the mess....it never fails to STARTLE US...which isn’t a bad thing). There is something about those little round, oil laden deep fried snacks that just grabs our attention.....maybe its the beautiful golden texture, maybe its the oil oozing out, maybe its the intoxicating odour.....and C.R.A.C.K., W.H.A.C.K. and me LOVE THE POORIS HERE....no matter how many gelasils we have to gobble afterwards!

The entire hostel somehow gets the smell when there is poori in the mess (C.R.A.C.K. says that the ability to detect good food is in our genes!). And once those gates open....its all about how fast, how ruthless, how selfish and how tactful you can be. The first tray is brought out we pounce for those cholesterol ridden treats in a manner that would put savage, flesheating werewolves to shame. In fact its so intimidating that even the guys in the mess prefer to stay inside the safety of the kitchen.......The battle rages on for the most fluffy, the most crisp and sometimes even the largest poori....and chaos reigns.......Pooris fly around like bullets....There are of course casualties, some get hot oil on their hands, some burn the tips of their fingers, some even drop food on their clothes while fighting for these WMC’s(Weapons of Mass Consumption). The facts are simple;”FIGHT OR STARVE!!!”

However in these desperate times, C.R.A.C.K. and me depend on our only ray of hope.....W.H.A.C.K.....There’s a reason why he’s known as WEIRDLY HEROIC AVERAGE COLLEGE KID. As soon as we grab our plates W.H.A.C.K. makes a run for the tray of pooris as if it were a portal to Willy wonka’s chocolate factory. He dodges the huge dogpile of humans and forces his way through the heaviest of crowds...HE’S LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN USAIN BOLT AND A WORLD CLASS RUSSIAN GYMNAST...watching him get those little buggers is like watching a perfected dance routine!

Somebody needs to stop this battle....it often puts us in weird situations...You know how we always tend to take more than we eat...OK, MUCh MORE!....and when W.H.A.C.K. sees his hard earned pooris being thrown into the bin, he obviously gives us this expression.....C.R.A.C.K. and me feel bad and instead of owning up, we start pointing fingers at each other, sometimes even coming up with silly reasons like “the fly in my poori was actually moving”. Who could’ve thought that something so tiny could actually lead to up an article in the college newspaper!!!! Funny eh.....

thenuttyoptimist

The thing about vulgarity......

Firstly sorry for the late post....been a bit busy....Anyway this one is gonna be about a baffling fact that has confused me for a long time.....

VULGARITY.....We all are vulgar at some point of life, even though your two-toe goody ass may not accept it now...REALLY ALL OF US HAVE MADE SOME SORT OF NASTY OR DIRTY COMMENT AT SOME POINT OF LIFE! ok if youve not made it, at least youve thought about it......take for example calling the guy who almost runs you over with his brand new BEAMER, an ASSHOLE! Or calling that teacher of yours who never ever does anything in class but always ends up giving you loads of assignment a LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING FAGGIT.......All of us have at one point or the other spoken it out or at least imagined something "vulgar"....then what is the big deal about VULGARITY????

I mean, seriously I fail to understand the perception people have of vulgarity.....youre called a dirty little piece of rotting soyabean by people if you curse or swear or even hint at using the eff word BUT the people vindicating you will be saying SHIT and CRAP at least 50 times a day.......I mean is there like a legal document that provides light over the different types, levels and degrees of intensity of cuss words and toilet humor....IF there is id sure like to get to the section where there is a mention about which word is punishable and which is not!!

There are apparently also these rules youre supposed to follow if you have even the slightest hint of vulgarity in you. For example youre never supposed to talk about vulgar stuff in front of your elders....even if theyre debating about which picture of RAKHI SAWANT's shows the most cleavage or which outfit SARAH PALIN looks most foxy in! There is also the rule about minding your tongue in front of girls....we're supposed to act like those overrated chocolate bollywood superstars...In short we're suppposed to be unreal and fake, and sadly that is appreciated....NO WAIT, ladies dont get me wrong.....I believe you should always be courteous and polite in front of the fairer sex....but i hate it when someone gets glares for making some sort of vulgar joke...what happened to the phrase JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS! Where does all the camraderie and good sense of humor disappear and why does that obnoxious TCH TCH sound come in??

Everyone enjoys a good vulgar joke if some douche bag comedian makes it on the screen, especially if its accompanied with some sort of awkward pelvic movement...HOWEVER, as soon as you make one in an ahem social gathering...everyone glares at you like the last piece of tandoori chicken left for a flock of chicken crazy DElhi-wallahs......WHY?

OK ive come up to the conclusion that there is something horribly wrong with my brain right now to write something like this on a public place like the blogosphere...OR what i say actually makes a tiny bit of sense...even if it is infitismally small....YOU DECIDE!!!

Anyway if you ask me the bottom line is that people all around are actually as confused about vulgarity as yours truly......And as opinionated as us humans usually are, nobody falls back before labelling something as vulgar(especially the government, what was wrong with AXN again???)...If you really REALLY think that the guy who cracks a non veg joke in front of you...or takes a double meaning for something you said is as cheap as those fake AIR-JORDANS in Pallika...YOURE MISTAKEN.......look around you and you just might find someone meaner!!!!!!

ASOmewhatreLievEd
thenuttyoptimist

P.s. I am not angry so dont worry about the tone in this article

P.P.s. I LOVE TOILET HUMOR....no matter what you say about it......

THE "SMELL"

Hey there this is something i am writing for my current humor report......dunno if its going to be selected or not but im sure it will make someone smile....This is about the fact that our country is a rather "smelly" one and i dunno about your college but there certainly exists a whole panorama of smells in my college....anyway here goes:-

the nutty optimist

THE "SMELL"

I was told by our chief editor not to use the word stink because it would be impolite and i promised him that i would try my best.....Come to think of it, it is NOT a stink....its NOT even close....its huge, so huge that everyone experiences it in every single day of existence in this college!

Still baffled about what im trying to talk about....well its the huge variety of smells you get while wandering through our very own campus....By the way sorry for not introducing myself. I am J.A.C.K.(thats, Just Another College Kid) and meet my friends W.H.A.C.K.(Weirdly Heroic Average College Kid) and C.R.A.C.K(Crazy and Retarded Average College kid).....dont ask any questions about the generous use of dots in our first names...ITS A LONG STORY!

So there we were, three of us strolling along the road between the Staff quarters and the Girls Hostels’ when suddenly this awesome “smell” hit our noses, I say hit because it was so powerful that our tiny brains were literally knocked out of our already half empty skulls.....WOW...it was worse than being hit by a ten tonne truck(I say this, because C.R.A.C.K. was once in that situation, thats why hes a little cuckoo!. Dont tell him i told you so though...hes a bit sensitive!). Immediately the three of us began wondering what could be the cause of that horribly beautiful smell. W.H.A.C.K. said it was because of the leftover food from the mess, C.R.A.C.K. thought that it was because of the huge heap of what seemed to be dog droppings in the corner(We had to stop him before he dipped his finger and took a taste).....

Anyway travelling through the same area again the next day we noticed that the smell had not disappeared but had been replaced with an equally powerful, mystifying smell. W.H.A.C.K. decided to get to the bottom of this mystery.....

He hasnt had much luck figuring it out what those smells are. However he does tell me that the smell is not just limited to that particular area...ITS EVERYWHERE.....the food court, the backgate and most importantly inside our very own mess.....Wonderfully though the “smell” does two things. It either draws you towards it just like Rakhi Sawant attracts primetime news reports or it REPELS you just like a friend who does not wash his hands after a visit to the urinal!

I guess the “smell” is a part and parcel of living in India....and frankly we three are proud of it! Who would want their country to smell like a laminated piece of existence! Would you?

P.s. oh WTF!

EXCESS Baggage and the PERENNIAL SEAT NEXT TO THE WINDOW

Im writing this in the middle of my flight from DELHI to CHENNAI, back to college that IS!! And despite the extremely cramped space in which im writing and the loud announcements for obnoxiously highly priced snacks, I just had another one of my TAWS moments; thats THINK AND WRITE SOMETHING moments.........Anyway these guys at Indigo should definitely reconsider their leg space and well elbow room as well....the funny guy on my right is snoring loudly and judging by his fake TAG HEUER and the nail polish on his pinky, im guessing it wont be much time before he starts dreaming about his wife and begin feeling the big guy on his left...YA THATS ME!!!

OH crap he almost woke up...geez don’t wanna show this to him!!......GUESS what, i discovered elbow space...HOW YOU ASK? Simple....just pushed my seat a little back and wedged the elbow into the gap between me and LOUD SNORING DUDE’s chair! Gotta manage somehow....

It always amuses me how every single time i fly alone two things always happen to me.....


1. I ALWAYS HAVE EXCESS BAGGAGE, i mean every friggin time.....ITS LIKE A CURSE.....My mom and i spent an entire week(YES! A week....) packing and even got the weighing machine to check how much the weight was adding upto.....I probably figured it would be like 25 kilos......AND I ALSO HEARD ABOUT THE 5 KILO discount for students....but i guess Indigo had a pretty packed flight. {FOR THE RECORD i can hear the snoring dude’s whacky snoring sounds still despite METALLICA being played in my ear.....PITY the guy on the extreme right...i think he has a MIGRANE though...he ordered a 50 buck orange juice.......}

So where was I.....aaah the excess baggage! Yes, about that.....well whenever im with my parents I never face this problem..NEVER EVER.....How come?? I believe the people at the check in desk have a secret button which they immediately press when they see big people or RECKLESS, NUTTY college kids on the way back home..........

I honestly feel that airlines should increase the limit ORRR judge the baggage limit by looking at the size of the guy/gal.....NO SERIOUSLY , BIG people usually like to pack more and don’t let me get started on how the weight of the clothes worn by the big dudes and dudettes are heavier!!! Thatll help....FOR SURE.

Enough kidding around....i guess i really need to check how much baggage i carry from next
time...I don’t think my dad would like the idea of shelling out 1000 bucks every single time i fly!


2. This problem is actually worse than the first one......its so uncanny that it happens even when im flying with my folks! I ALWAYS ALWAYS get a seat above the wings......I mean i love to look out, even ou of an airplane flying at 35000 feet(DOES INDIGO really do that???)...those cloud patterns are so sick!!! And i guess my brain loves to think when im looking out......i get my best ideas there and of course on my roof or the LOO!!!! Its like the plane just doesn’t want me to think on the flight....besides it does get pretty boring(at least for me) on a flight....especially domestic budget airlines!

Even when i called my dad before takeoff he guessed that id gotten a seat overlooking the wing....Its become sort of a habit though and the optimist that i am, i figured some really nice benefits of sitting above a wing......

First of all you can act as a warning beacon when something goes wrong....you can spot if any of the screws are coming off the wing or if something is about to get caught in the engine.....AND THEN OF COURSE.....YOU CAN DIE.......godll be nice to you and put you in heaven....at least you screamed first before all hell broke loose!

Secondly you can see the functioning of all those tiny parts on the wing.......and appreciate it! I don’t know how many of you have noticed but the wing is actually divided into segments and each one functions at a different time....its pretty fascinating actually........

Thirdly....well because you don’t have a view, the people towards the aisle don’t strain their necks to catch a glimpse of the city youre going to land in....i feel pretty weird when that happens and also confused! On one hand i feel like obliging to the request and move back so that the poor passenger does not snap his neck......WOW i can so imagine that in the headlines......”MAN SNAPS HIS NECK ON AIRLINE BECAUSE FELLOW PASSENGER REFUSES TO BUDGE HIS FAT NECK TO LET HIM SEE THE VIEW”....On the other hand i feel a little selfish and lazy and don’t wanna waste my calories shifting for some random person i don’t even know...YES i knoe i can be an A-hole too sometimes.........


SHOOT turbulence....gotta close my lappy and keep the chair in an upright position before i get an, ahem polite request from the air hostess...........DARN YOU CLOUDS!!!! Also i better stop before i twist a ligament or two because of the un-ergonomic positions!

This one ends here.......

thenuttyoptimist

P.s. i recognise 2 of the 3 air hostess’ from earlier flights. cant wait till these guys give me a frequent flier card and shift me to first class.....OH Wait budget airlines don’t have a FIRST CLASS!!!!!1

P.P.s. MY HANDS HURT....OWWWWW.......i need a bigger chair!!!!! GET ME THE LAZBOY!!!!!!!!!!!

Pumafication.....

This is an article i had written sometime back for my college newspaper.....it didnt get published this same way though. Read through and feel free to comment.....

I guess i just wanted to grab the attention of readers to a funny trend which many college goers(well, at least in my college) follow...

Puma.n\-a large American wild cat with a plain tawny to grayish coat, found from Canada to Patagonia…..

That is the meaning of Puma according to the Mobile Oxford Dictionary. Though the guys at Oxford made one big factual error. The “PUMA” is not only limited to the wilderness of USA. We believe it packed itself in a box, loaded itself on a BOEING 747 and flew all the way to India, and now can be found roaming around everywhere; especially in college campuses. The only difference is that the regal cat has been reduced to a puny moulded insignia; in which it appears to jump, sadly even from slippers!!!

Its funny how Indians, especially the youth have a fascination for all things American; whether it be riveted jeans (LEVI’s) or even sugar coated chocolate(m & m’s). The only criteria for something to be hip and happening it seems, is the amount of digits on the price tag. THE MORE, the MERRIER!!!

We wonder why these multinational companies spend so much time and money on advertising their products, when we have walking talking billboards all around us. No seriously, just observe how many people are dressed from head to toe with PUMA merchandise. PUMA headbands, PUMA shirts, PUMA bags, PUMA watches, tracks, slippers, shoes etc. etc. And we were under the misconception that PUMA only made shoes. Now, how exactly does a company that forces kids in 3rd world countries to make shoes for other more "privileged" kids in 3rd world countries start manufacturing watches or even high end sunglasses.

Anyway the best and sometimes the worst part about a successful company like PUMA is the range. Out of about a 100 options you start with 10; which narrows down to 10 after a quick glance to at the price tag and then out of a blue the number triples to 15 after picking out the desired colours. This interesting phenomenon allows us to see the same PUMA shirt in different shades along with the insignia; and if youre lucky you might just spot a metrosexual PINK!!!

No don’t get us wrong we don’t hate PUMA. We just dislike the idea of people being so loud and open about the fact that they own PUMA goods. Be humble fellow college-goers!!

In fact its good to see a multinat make it big in India. Its an indicator that India is in hyper-drive on the freeway to ECONOMIC STARDOM. Recession or no recession the American jumping cat has definitely got its spring powered boots on and it doesn’t seem to be landing on earth anytime soon….

signed

The Nutty Optimist.........

p.s. I finally got my dell laptop.....YAYYY...kinda busy with unboxing it!!! thats why the old article....

THE CURRENCY OF LOVE....or....the whackyness of a fool in love.....

HOLD UP....wait a minute!!!

Before you get any bright ideas and start believing that im in love, let me clarify that CUPID's tranquilizer has not yet penetrated the titanium coating on my skin!!!!

NOOO....this is about something much much more entertaining...(NOT TALKING ABOUT MILEY CYRUS's NOSE PEIRCING....trust me!)......

Dunno about you but i usually find that people love to go all PICASSO on their currency notes....especially the TEN rupee notes......whether it be defacing Mr. Gandhis already patterned face or testing a fresh pen by drawing some revolutionary patterns....PEOPLE just love to scribble anything on them notes....some mention god's name, some write the amount on the top note of the bundle, some....well some just like to burn it and put various coloured patterns on it....totally disfiguring it!!!!(BY the way, havent actually figured out what those extra colour marks are for......PAAN maybe!!!)

And some like to imagine little people running around, playing lacrosse on the notes...(LOOKS AROUND searching for someone who agrees with him.......)

Anyway.....so there i was counting how much money i had left over from an outing so that i could give it back to MOM......(I SUCK AT MAINTAINING MONEY......honestly id make DONALD TRUMP bankrupt in a few minutes if he would give me all his cash! Maybe then he would sop making so many seasons of THE APPRENTICE)...and i found a 50 rupee note which at first seemed pretty normal BUT THEN....i flipped it and this is what i saw!!!

sorry for the shabby photography.....i guess my 2 MP camera has too many scratches on its lens.....

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

A DECLARATION OF LOVE ON A 50 rupee note.....WOW.......Kritika, if youre reading this your boyfriend\husband whatever must really like you.......IN AN OUTLANDISH WAY OF COURSE!!!!!

NOW me being the nut that i am, started analysing KRITIKAs and MR. X's relationship status when they performed this AWESOME example of using the power of FREE LANGUAGE (and of course ball point pen ink....way to go REYNOLDS!!). These are the few possibilities of what happened that fateful day, that I could conjure:-

1. KRITIKA's BOYFRIENDS DAD WORKS HAND IN HAND WITH THE RBI AND THEREFORE HAS SEVERAL 50 RUPEE NOTES TO USE AS NAPKINS (maybe some as toilet paper too....disgusting i know!)

2. KRITIKA's BOYFRIEND SUFFERS FROM A NEW FORM OF RETINAL MALFUNCTION WHERE THE ABILITY OF THE EYE TO FIND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NORMAL PAPER AND PAPER USED TO MAKE CURRENCY IS WEAKENED

3. KRITIKA AND HER BOYFRIEND WERE ROBBING A BANK TOGETHER AND THIS WAS THEIR LAST ATTEMPT TO SHOW AFFECTION TO EACH OTHER BEFORE A BSF SNIPER BLEW THEIR BRAINS OUT (very Martin Scorcesish i say....)

4. KRITIKA AND HER BOYFRIEND ARE SO DEEP IN LOVE THAT THEY DONT KNOW WHAT THEYRE DOING (good going if this is the case....im sure your parents will come and identify your bodies after you both jump off the LE MERIDIEN to say goodbye to this "CRUEL WORLD"........OK I NEED TO STOP SEEING THOSE TYPE OF MOVIES......brrrrrrr)

5. writers block.......darn

Anyway whatever be the case it was pretty neat to find that note lying in MY wallet (i say this because LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS are a gift that i have not yet recieved, neither will.....by the rate im going)........I appreciate their spirit though...BOY do i wanna see the look on MR. Y.V. Reddy's face.....hehe

Moral of the story.....IF YOU REALLY WANNA SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE SPECIAl.......just do it. Dont worry about where you say it, how you say it or why you say it....if its in your heart and you gotta let it out....JUST DO IT.....and then wait for a person like me to get my hands on what you did and write a blog entry about it........(insert evil laughter)

signed

The Nutty Optimist

P.S. i cant wait till someone from the al-Qaida sprays "Osama was here" on the ceiling of the GEorge Bush's ranch home.......or even "ZARDARI CAN GO JUMP IN A LAKE FILLED WITH PIRANHAS" in big bold letters at the top of the PArliament building............

P.P.s. Ill be hiding in my underground bunker if the feds come looking....

P.P.P.s. OK i know youre tired of this but just so you know this is the continuation of my early blog REALITY IS FREQUENTLY INACCURATE.......